9 ways to improve communication, teamwork, and decision-making with your business partner.
For the past 30 years, the Gottman Institute has been studying the dynamics of relationships, drawing insights from over 40,000 couples. This extensive research has led to the creation of one of the most comprehensive theories for what makes marriages thrive — the Sound Relationship House Theory.
As a Licensed Psychologist and coach to cofounders, I discovered this theory can also be applied to cofounder partnerships, helping to strengthen connection, build trust, and improve the success of startups and businesses alike.
In this article, I will explore the nine essential elements of Gottman’s theory and how they can be used to build a powerful, resilient cofounder partnership.
The first level of the Sound Relationship House focuses on understanding your cofounder’s inner world.
It’s essential to invest time in learning about your partner’s thought processes and reactions to challenging situations. As you continue building, it is helpful to identify their underlying values and long-term goals, and how those impact the company.
Discovering more about your partner’s inner world helps prevent you from making inaccurate, negative attributions towards their intent when their actions have a negative impact on you or others. It also helps you improve the accuracy of your empathy, leading to increased trust and collaboration.
I call this process, updating your “Internal Model” of the other person.
Consider scheduling regular check-in meetings or retreats with the explicit aim of updating your internal model of the other person, as your partner’s goals and values will change over time.
Creating a culture of admiration and appreciation is the antidote to contempt, a known relationship killer.
Regularly celebrating each other’s achievements and expressing gratitude for your partner’s efforts leads to improved performance and a focus on the positive aspects of your partnership.
Make it a habit to acknowledge your partner when they do something helpful for you or the business, and extend appreciation for their strengths and effort.
One way to foster this positive culture is to develop a shared gratitude practice. This can involve starting your meetings by acknowledging the positive impact your cofounder has had on the business, writing appreciative emails, or establishing a routine of verbalizing what you value about one other.
In any relationship, it’s essential to be aware of how your partner seeks connection and expresses emotional needs. By choosing to give your full attention and support during these moments, you build trust, teamwork, and mutual investment in your partnership.
To increase your awareness of and responsiveness to your partner’s bids for connection, work to improve your active listening skills. Make an effort to be present and engaged when they ask for support or voice a desire to discuss an important issue.
Positive Sentiment Override vs. Negative Sentiment Override
If you successfully cultivate the first three foundational elements, you will experience Positive Sentiment Override. But if these elements are lacking, you will experience Negative Sentiment Override.
Positive Sentiment Override allows you to face challenges without resorting to blame or criticism, maintaining positive interactions even during conflict. In this case, the lens through which you perceive your partner’s behaviors is positive—call these “rose tinted glasses.”
Meaning, you perceive most of your partner’s actions as being based in good intent—even if the impact was negative.
On the other hand, Negative Sentiment Override creates a negative perspective, in which even neutral or positive statements from your partner are perceived as negative, harsh, and critical.
Positive and Negative Sentiment Override are outcomes of the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House. To shift from negative to positive, it’s essential to improve the foundation of your partnership by focusing on the first three levels.
Recognizing when you’re stuck in a negative cycle is the first step towards breaking free from NSO. Be honest with yourself and your cofounder about your current state and commit to addressing the foundational issues that may be causing this negativity.
Regularly evaluate your partnership to ensure you’re maintaining a healthy balance of positive interactions.
For context, Gottman discovered the happy, stable marriages that last have a 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio during conflict, but even higher in other moments. This is why some founders attempt to engage in small activities outside of work (that have nothing to do with work)—it helps them re-connect and improve the ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Develop better conflict resolution strategies by utilizing Softened Startup, Accepting Influence, Repair, De-escalation, and Compromise. By addressing these issues head-on, you can build a more resilient partnership.
Though I cannot cover each of these topics here, one high leverage practice of a Softened Startup is using an “I-message.”
Here’s the format I recommend:
- I feel X
- When you Y
- And I need Z
Here’s an example: “I feel frustrated when you don’t loop me in on important calls, and next time you talk to our investor, I’d appreciate it if you could either let me join the call or send me a summary.”
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, especially in the high-stress environment of a startup or business. The key is to approach conflicts constructively and not let them fester.
Regularly assess your communication styles and work together to establish a process for addressing issues as they arise. Actively seek feedback from each other and be open to change.
Intentionally create positive experiences by doing things that bring joy, happiness, laughter, and connection.
Identify activities that both you and your cofounder enjoy and incorporate them into your routine to strengthen your bond. This can be as simple as grabbing lunch together, attending a sports game, or setting aside time for brainstorming sessions to explore new business ideas that excite you both.
By sharing in experiences that are meaningful and enjoyable, you reinforce the value of your partnership and create lasting memories that contribute to a stronger bond. Be deliberate in setting aside time for these experiences and don’t let the demands of your business overshadow the importance of nurturing your partnership.
As an important aside, this is another reason many partnerships struggle: They develop a friendship before or during the founding process and then have less and less time to connect. As the demands and stressors increase, their partnership has less positive interactions become more focused on solving problems. This increases the demands on the partnership and increases criticism when issues start feeling personal.
Think of this section of the Sound Relationship House as being a source of fuel for your partnership.
Creating shared meaning involves connecting your partnership to the broader narrative of your company and mission.
Establish rituals, such as regular cofounder dates, to reinforce your shared values and goals throughout your entrepreneurial journey. These rituals create a sense of belonging and unity within your partnership, providing a solid foundation for your business to thrive.
Additionally, involve your team in the process of creating shared meaning by articulating your mission, vision, and core values. Encourage open dialogue around the company’s purpose and goals, and work together to build a culture that reflects these shared beliefs.
Trust is built on the belief that your partner is dedicated to improving both your partnership and the business. It’s the knowledge that they have your back and are genuinely invested in your mutual success.
Trust is a byproduct of consistently demonstrating support, understanding, and commitment to your partnership.
Fostering trust requires transparency, open communication, and consistency in your actions. Be reliable in fulfilling your responsibilities and honest about your intentions.
When trust is well-established, it becomes the backbone of a successful partnership and enables you to navigate challenges with greater confidence and resilience.
Commitment means treating your partnership as a long-term plan, whether it’s for the next 3–5 years or a lifetime. Remember the reasons you chose to partner with this person and focus on nurturing and growing your relationship over time.
Keep the long-term perspective in mind when making decisions and facing challenges. Recognize that you are building something together, and invest in your partnership accordingly. Be open to learning from each other and adapting your approach as your partnership and business evolve.